Harold,Kumar, White Castle, and the Roach
by Curo-Hatake1
Summary: Harold Likes Maria, but who does Kumar have? Kumars has Roach, a spunky,loud, artistic, homeless underaged teen. What happens when they decide to go to White Castle together? TOTAL plot scrap. I hope you all Like Roach.M for language...and other stuff...
1. Roach

-I do not Own Harold and Kumar ( I am killing the plot line to fit my needs. I will try to make it as funny, no promises)

You all know that Harold has a girlfriend he got quickly and by utter chance; but what about Kumar? He never said he had a girlfriend but he also never said he didn't. Sure he'll bang other chicks but she's cool with that, she bangs other guys. Once he came to her apartment to hang out and found her having sex on the couch with some guy, they actually had a conversation about how crappy the weather was and how he would come back later. The guys she was so blatantly fucking left after that, being utterly creeped out. She gave him a black eye and left for a bar and a joint with Kumar. I guess they were more over friends with benefits than in a real relationship. She was a short haired dyed blonde with green eyes and a full figure. She was an artist and a writer, that's how she got by, she sold her art work and had a few books published. She wanted to go through a school for the arts. Oh I almost forgot to tell you, she's under aged. Her parents kicked her out at 15 after getting knocked up; she got an abortion which only added insult to the parents because they were strict Catholics. She's been living on her own since. She met Kumar at a party and after a long session of out-of-this-world, hallucinogenic, drug induced sex; decided to be friends. She did portraits in City Park for extra money on the days she wasn't in class at her high school. Kumar liked to visit her when he wasn't off getting high or doing homework.

"Oi Rochelle!"

He said as she was sketching on a pad of paper with a Copic marker and glancing up every few seconds at the woman she was drawing. She slid her green eyes his way and smiled at him.

"Oh hey Kumar, wazzup?"

She asked going back to the sketch; the woman was getting impatient with her. Kumar came over and slid his arm around her neck in a light hug, kissing her forehead.

"Hey, Roach. Not much."

He had started calling her roach for short because in a high haze Rochelle was just something not worth pronouncing all the way through. She woman gave a high pitched 'ahem' to gain Rochelle's attention. She immediately went back to filling in a few well placed lines.

"I'm almost done here, I'll hang after K? Won't be more than a minute."

She said looking over the sketch of the woman, how exquisitely she had placed the curls on her face, the slope of her cheeks and the poise of her figure. She presented the portrait to her and the woman handed her $5 after praising her for her work. Kumar watched over her shoulder as she was drawing and had noticed how her hand merely had to fly across the paper and a drawing came out of it. He tried that and only got a bunch of lines.

"Ready."

She said, Sketch pad in one hand, box of art supplies in the other. Her appearance was sloppy, a peasants blouse draped over one shoulder while it completely fell off the other, and her pants were a size too big for her, combat boots made her feet seem a size bigger than they were and she honestly looked like a cartoon character.

"Man I got so blitzed at a party last night!"

She said pointing to the bags underneath her eyes.

"Yeah!? I spent the night eating pork rinds and watching T.V. like every other un-married man in America."

She shrugged and laughed loudly, taking a thin white thing wrapped in tissue paper. It was a joint. She pressed it between her lips and lit it, in hailing deeply.

"Hey, share!"

He said grabbing the joint from her lips and taking a hit on it himself. She grabbed at it but him being taller and stronger, holding it out of her reach.

"I hate you."

"Yeah? Too bad, Roach."

He said taking another hit, she hit him in the arm and his other arm dropped to nurse the wound, she then grabbed the joint and killed it.

"Ha!"

"Ah! Evil Bitch!"

He said rubbing his arm.

"That hurt."

"Duh. It's supposed to. That's kinda the grand scheme."

She said draping one of her arms around him, He liked her, she wasn't complicated. She knew what she wanted, she knew how she wanted it, and it was as simple as that. She was the coolest High schooler he had ever met. She ran her fingers through his longish hair and a sneering voice crept up behind them.

"Uh Oh! Does the catcher know you're cheating on him!?"

A tattooed prick with a posse of posers came up behind them. Rochelle just rolled her eyes, Kumar sighed and muttered something about shit heads.

"What was that gay-wad!?"

The guys asked cutting in front of them, poking Kumar in the chest.

"Hey I don't want to have to deal with your shit today; I just wanna hang with my girlfriend."

"Girlfriend? Aw has he been telling you he's straight? Well, I know I am, So come here and get some real lovin' sugar."

He said grabbing her arm, she glowered, grabbed his wrist and flipped him on his back; His posse watching in wide eyed horror.

"Touch me again and I'll knock your 'nads to China!"

She said kicking him in the stomach; Kumar was too busy laughing to say anything. She moved one of his friends aside with one finger pulling Kumar with her.

"Man he got beat! Where'd you learn that?"

"One of my friends taught me self defense after my parents booted me."

She said with a satisfied smile, holding his hand tight, interlacing her fingers.

"My roomies throwing a bash up street. Wanna catch it? Bound to be some good green there."

She said, chewing one of her fingernails. She had chewed most of them down to nubs already, it was nervous habit. The girl had Acid Reflux, SIM's (Stress induced migraines), and ADD; she was a medical nightmare. She took horse choker pill with two others that looked like they were meant to poison extremely small insects. When she took too many or too much too soon she would go into a state that gave her the godly name of the 'almighty shit faced one.' Honestly she could peddle those things in cocktails and make a fortune.

"Hell yeah! I'll try to drag Harold along."

"Dude, the guys got a 10 foot stick up his ass. He is so tight that if you made him swallow coal, he'd shit diamonds."

"Nah, nah…he'd only shit bricks."

They both laughed, Kumar knew Harold was actually a pretty fuckin' funny guy. But Rochelle had only met uptight 'Diamonds-out-the-ass' Harold. The party would be enough to help it.

"So whadya wanna do, coffee? Chess? Getting baked and hockin' loogies off the over pass?"

She said ever so causally referring to one of her favorite past times.

"1) It's 5 in the afternoon, we don't need coffee. B) I can't play chess for shit. 3) I'm willing to bet that was your last joint and we have no even chance on actually getting baked until tonight. But I can Hock Loogies!"

"You said 1,B,3. You know that right?"

"What?"

"Neeeeveermind. Lets go cause some car crashes."

She said pointing to a near by over pass. They clambered up over it, it started out with friendly fire until it started to turn into a contest. It started when Roach did a perfect and dramatic snort and hocked phlegm into a top-down corvette. Kumar cocked an eyebrow and made an even bigger snort, hocking his into the face of some poor person. They clapped hands and knocked fists, they were acting like middle schoolers…with bad attitude and weed. But that was half the fun, being immature. It wasn't until Roach pulled out a bottle of red acrylic paint from her art box that Kumar had doubts about this game.

"Dude, you get arrested-"He paused to laugh "- I am not bailing you out!"

"Who says I'll get caught!"

She said opening the bottle and squirting some onto a trucker's windshield. The truck skidded and several cars banged bumpers. Kumar and Roach looked at each other, grabbed their shit and ran like fucking hell. Not fearing the Cops so much as the trucker himself who had gotten out of the car and seen their faces.

"Shitshitshit!!!"

Roach said while running, Kumar didn't have breath to curse, just run. After they were a good half a mile away from the scene they stopped to breathe. Roach fell to the ground and laid on her back while Kumar doubled over huffing and puffing like he was having an asthma attack.

"You-puff-are-puff-fuck-puff-ing-insane!"

"So-pant-are-pant-you."

Roach started laughing at it, the rush was great and it was just fucking priceless to see the truckers face. Kumar started to laugh too, if they got caught with half the shit they did, they would be under death penalty. And no body knew how to cause trouble like Roach, she was the real life Bart Simpson…with weed. She grafittied half of Jersey and he was pretty sure she once killed guy on accident for touching her. He was always careful about her personal space, she once cold cocked him for putting his arm around her at the movies without asking first or without her making any sign that she wanted his arm there at all. But mostly she liked being touched, she once waited in his apartment bedroom the day he was testing and when he got home, stressed out and in need of a few good manly delights; she ambushed, and pounced on him, butt naked. All she had to say was 'Merow' and kiss him for all his tension to be gone. How he loved having her around, she lived on the streets most of the time, using her school showers to keep clean; staying at a friends house on rainy nights or sometimes at Kumar's. Though because Kumar's room was so messy she often woke up under a pile of junk she didn't even know how she got under in the first place. Kumar thought it was funny that when he woke up and looked around to find no one then asks her name only to watch her rise from the pile of junk like a zombie of suburbia with a hangover. He tried to have her stay at his place as often as he could, he didn't like to see her live on the streets. But Harold finds it sexually frustrating to walk into the kitchen to see a wet fresh-out-of-the-shower girl wearing Kumar's bathrobe and eating his cereal. Harold thought she might be diseased and that she and Kumar simply made too much noise at night. Not just Sex but they liked to turn up 50 cent and sometimes sing along if they were high enough. The girl could rap better than most white girls but through a high haze of slur, suddenly Candy Shop turned into Frosty the Snowman.

"I gotta go scrounge a friends closet for clothes for the party. See ya there. Remember uptown, back room, tell the bouncer that you're Roaches Bitch. He'll let you through."

"Roaches Bitch?"

"Yep. Nothing else will work."

She said firmly, of course 'I'm here for the uptown bash' would work but hey Kumar didn't know that.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXFeeling nonsensical!


	2. Uptown

I do not Own Harold and Kumar

Kumar was in his room with the 50 cent turned up. He was searching for something cleaner to wear, a.k.a. picking stuff off the floor and sniffing it to see if it smelled like sweat and pot; which most of it did. He picked up a plaid over shirt and a hoodie vest. Keeping a T-shirt that had the works 'Fuck Off' written in neon colors. His blue jeans from his first trip to White Castle, with rips and cuts in it hung from his waist perfectly. He was ready to get wasted. Harold walked through the door and Sat down on the sofa.

"Roldy! Hey, there's a big bash at uptown."

"Not today…Loooong day…"

"Oh come on, you don't even have to do anything, you can just get blitzed out your skull and sit on the fucking floor in a hallucinogenic haze."

"No, movement needed?"

"Nope."

"Fine, but you better be serious."

Harold said sitting up a little, he had laid his new and unbroken laptop on the table and let it sit. Kumar smiled, he wasn't completely sure that Harold wouldn't have to move. But hey lying is the spice of life. After a few moments of rest and some soda they dragged their asses out to Harold's car and revved up to the club uptown. It was 9:00 and at 9:00 Jersey downtown got really crowded. They shoved past peoples aplenty and made it to Uptown, the bright neon sign flashing and the big bad bouncer looking like her could flatten a gorilla. They made it to the door and the bouncer thrust out his arm, stopping them.

"Private party, got an invite?"

"We're Roaches Bitches."

Kumar said quickly, not wanting to die this young in life. Harold gave him a look of horror.

"Oh you didn't tell me she was going to be here. Oh fuck no I'm gone."

"Good luck I've got the car keys, letting us in?"

The bouncer rolled his eyes and moved aside they moved in and the party was booming. Girls dancing on the bar top guys dumping bottle of tequila on them, the place reeked of pot and sweat. And Kumar did all that searching for nothing. Kumar looked around and couldn't see Roach; she was pretty small kid so it would naturally be hard. A random guy passed him a bong which he took a hit from and then passed to Harold.

"Kumaaaar!"

He heard Roach yell. He looked around and then up. She was hanging on one of the bars on the ceiling by her knees and looking down at him.

"What are you doing?!"

"Hanging out!"

"How'd you get up there!?"

"Hell if I know! One minute I'm doing body shots with the bartender and then next I'm hanging upside down form the ceiling!...I wanna get down now."

She said looking kinda pathetic. He held out his arms a little.

"Okay, just drop."

She did some adjusting on the bar and was now holding on with her hands, She took a breath and fell. Kumar half caught her, he managed to catch her torso and it slid through his arms and she landed on the floor with a soft thud.

"Ooooowwww….Tailbone…pain…"

She said rubbing her ass; Kumar pulled her up and brushed her off. Grabbing her ass good naturedly.

"Sorry."

"Pain."

"I said I'm sorry."

"Pain! Let go of my ass goddammit!"

She said moving backwards out of his grasp. She rubbed her ass some more and walked up to the bar, everyone here was supposedly over 21 so it was no questions asked. She got a Hard Lemonade and gulped it down. The girl was cheap drunk so one of those was enough to make her forget her probably fractured tailbone.

"Much better, no I have GOT to introduce you to my friends Micha and Karismah. "

"Dude you can name someone Karismah?"

Kumar asked Harold as they followed the misled teen to a back lounge where a black haired kid with a pink scarf tied around his neck was conversing with a slim brunette. The Brunette and the black haired kid that looked like a mix between Mexican and Asian looked up at them.

"M-M! Who do we have here!?"

Micha asked Roach, Cocking his eyebrow at Kumar and Harold, Smoothing his hair.

"Micha, Karismah, meet my bitches, Kumar and Harold."

Micha and Karismah burst out laughing.

"We are not bitches!"

Harold said loudly.

"Oh she calls everyone that! Come on, have a drink, smoke a joint, Roach sit between Micha and your bitches."

Roach purposely didn't hear Karismah and let him sit next to Harold. They started Joking and Harold and Kumar embarked on a long recount of their trip to White Castle. Karismah pulled out a bag of brownies and passed them around. Pot was like water in this place, it was everywhere, a communal source. Micha laid his hand on Harolds thigh, so casually Harold didn't really notice until it started creeping downwards.

"Heyheyheyhey-Yah!"

Micha did it, he grabbed Harold's crotch and squoze, not hard but still, Harold had nothing against Gay people. He just wasn't gay himself and didn't like getting fingered by another guy. The whole table burst out laughing except for Micha and Harold, harold was cursing loudly and Micha had a satisfied smile on his face.

"Harold the sexy beast!"

Roach said raising her drink. The rest of them clinked glasses and drank, they weren't thirsty but they were hungry as fuck. The bartender was trying to get everyone to be quiet.

"Hey everyone Shaddup!!!"

Roach shouted, everyone was quiet. Such a small thing could make an extravagant amount of noise. The bartender turned up the volume on the T.V. It was the 'Marijuana Kills' Commercial.

"_Dude, just take a hit"_

"…"

"_Don't you want to be cool?"_

"_hackcough."_

"_dude what are you doing."_

"_Dude, I'm so High nothing can hurt me!"_

"_eheheh..Noooo!"_

_BLAM!_

The whole bar erupted into laughter but Harold and Kumar saw this as a sign, that commercial was the very one that played right before their stomachs growled and they embarked to White Castle. That was 6 months ago. But hey they were too high to completely care because the next commercial was the dreaded White Castle commercial, and simultaneously Kumar, Harold, and Roaches stomachs growled. Roach and Kumar were drooling over the commercial; Roach leaned so far out she fell off her chair. Harold was taking a deep, here we go again, sigh.

"Haaarooold."

They both said looking back at him.

"What? Oh no, nono! Nuh uhn! I'm not going through that again!"

Roach and Kumar looked at each other, cocked an eyebrow and grabbed Harold by each arm. They easily picked him up and dragged him out of the booth.

"Okay We'll see you 2 later! We've gotta go to White Castle."

Roach said and they dragged Harold kicking and Screaming. The bouncer didn't stop them, Kumar was the only one sober enough to drive so he pulled out and got on the road while Roach was in the back seat restraining Harold by sitting on him. And so our three young Harlequins embarked on their journey to White Castle. Unable to go back because by the time they got on the high way they had simply 'Gone too far.'

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I've been left alone in my house too long. I'm starting to hear things. The voices made me write this.


End file.
